Wednesday, January 16, 2013

sometimes yer cousin is cute enough...

we've had some amazing weather here in Nashvegas.  just the other day i was sitting in a parking lot in shorts and a tshirt with shep eating pie.  as far as i know, there was only one report of a bear in the area, but i never saw it.

now, this is how it works in this here part of north amurika.  in the winter, we'll have a couple warm days, then some cold ones, then unseasonably warm days which are actually seasonal but we don't remember it happening every year so it's called unseasonable, followed by ice.

yes, ice.  we get ice.  snow once in a great while, and typically no more than an inch or two to scratch the itch of missing the powdering happy.  and being from north of the Mason Dixon line gives one not only a completely different outlook on frozen precipitation, it also makes for a contrasting driving ability than the locals have honed.

so today... ice ice baby.

now, when there is ice on the horizon, these people go apeshit.  hell, after the flood a couple years ago, if we get heavy rain people start to worry.  so when team coverage of the four horsemen marching in armed with snow blowers and Icee machines floods the airwaves, it makes this:

look like this:

(cred for this photo belongs to somebody named Cody Biffle)

...and that's where i start to cock my head and get that confused puppy look.  sure, light snow is self explanitory, and i totally get the run for booze.  a run for booze has very little to do with the impending doom of 40hours of cold and wet, but if i'ma gunna be stuck in my home for enough days that i'm going to need to buy milk, milk ain't gunna solve a fucking thing and 100% of that money should be spent on booze, period.  in fact, should you not just have staples stocked up just in case it actually really is an emergency?

seriously, what if you find yourself trapped for a week with some fugly chick?  or you just happen to be a lady and the next seven days of your life are going to be spent in a 1300 square foot bungalow with some - still wearing a sweater vest even though he took his shirt off knuckle dragging neanderthal - that even after a shower still retains that musky aroma.  shit, what if it's your cute ass third cousin three times removed?

boredom will eventually set in, and there's a reason more babies are born nine months after a big winter storm than any other time of the year.  so no matter what the scenerio, you'll need some liquid courage loooong before you are ever going to need one single drop of moo juice.  unless you only drink white russains, then you'll puke before you get drunk enough to pinky swear you will never talk about this again.

cuz sometimes extreme circumstances calls for extreme measures, and i would hate to think a little ice cost you a limb.

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