Monday, December 17, 2012

wet, hot, dirty, and fat.

i strapped on the four hundred ton pack stuffed like santa's sleigh with everything i would need for a five day trip... for the four mile hike to where i was camping for one single night.  luckily, it had stopped raining just as i was about to hit the trail head.  with just a few hours until the deep gray sky turned black, the slip and slide on peanut butter turf was on.

with about an hour to spare, i had reached my intended destination, and i didn't even get lost.  now the hunt was on for firewood.  surely somewhere in this here buncha square miles of forest there has got to be something that will burn.  really, i'm literally surrounded by wood... not that kind.  but hey, guess what?  it just rained all afternoon!  other than the ducks and beavers, everything is soaking wet!

well kids, when i was just a wee little asshole, my old man took me under his wing and put forth the necessary effort to try and make sure i had the woodland tools and skills needed to try to get by without a search party or helicopter getting involved in my journeys.  he gave me a knife with a compass in it, some matches, asked the authorities for forgiveness, and sent me on my way with a slap on the ass and a heartfelt, "you're a man now, don't come back".

so what happened?


that's what happened.  good ol' solid as hell, and just as hot, mutha fuckin' fire.  just a couple pieces of strategically placed cardboard and paper scraps from my pocket, and things started to heat right up.  wet wood will blaze if tackled with finesse, patience and care, all of which i do in fact possess.

as the night slothed on toward the morning, the chillin' turned to grillin', followed by more chillin', while sipping tea and wondering where the hell my flask could be.  seems i left that, along with my long sleeve wool, somewhere between the homebase, and campbase...  but neither one was with me, though i checked again...  just in case.

as the fire retreated to a kindle, and the lantern following suit, i lay my sleepy little head down in hopes that saint bourbon would grace me with a waking snort.  i drifted with dreams of rye and barley, mother nature entered the fold with just a little breeze to rustle the remaining leaves clinging on naked branches, purring me to sleep in my cozy down cocoon.


the next morning, after indulging gluttonously in as much of the remaining rations as possible in order to lighten the load, as well as tossing everything i didn't need into what was left of the pyre ( i even considered torching some of the stuff i did need), the trudge was on to get back in time to meet up with Glitter Gravel for an afternoon of fatbike soul crushin' and wildlife frazzlin' in other wildernesses.

off we went... down some random ass, muddy, puddly, fire road (where does she find this shit?).

our obese knobbies bashed through khaki puddles of muck, bombed down pea gravel slides, and plowed over thatch and thistle, hurtling us through beautiful displays of the wonders of nature.  life seemed still with our travel through this paradise, as burnt sienna highlighted crisp orange flows, morphing to brown and deep crimson swaths spread across the landscapes.  this is autumn surrendering to winter.

we didn't mean to burden this little dude, as he was on his way to settling down for a long winter's night.  he didn't seem to bother being lifted from his hiding place, though he rushed to find a new one as soon as his little paws touched the ground.

once out of the woods, and rain heading our way, we dashed to the closest eatery and woofed down some sandwiches and mac-and-cheese.  with the evening coming to a close, my clothes beckoning a washing machine, and my own self visually impairing those around me with my festive aroma, it was time to head to the place i currently call home.

after unpacking, sharing a post fun beer, and high-fiving my companion on the weekend's accomplishments, i fired of a quick too-dah-loo, and started deconstructing the last forty eight hours so i could bring them to you in picturesque and over emphasized verbiage.
and that is exactly when i remembered i had procured a new piece of art to adorn one of my beautiful steeds.

yup.  they're still coming...

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