Monday, December 24, 2012

santa is just satan mispelled

in keeping with my previous blug format of monday, wednesday, friday...  which i copied from the minister of ruin, cuz he's smart, here is your monday post.

merry X-Mas eve.

took a quick spin up to the north pole over the weekend, to visit that jolly ol' elf, who is really not so jolly 48hours out from the climax of his year.  in fact, and understandably, he was kind of a prick.  the old man isn't getting any younger, and he needs all the help he can get.  remember, when you fornicate to bring another nose-miner on to the face of this here blue dot, you are just increasing his workload.  and i think he is getting fed up.

he really doesn't like you

being unemployed, he felt bad for me (i was not good this year, but i'm cute... and that helps).  ol' saint nick threw me a bone and hired me to be his enforcer.  it's just a short lived gig, little pay, and no health insurance.  but hey, it's money.  and ms. claus can cook.  yeah, he's all union, and i'ma gunna be a scab, but i ain't afraid to cross picket lines.  stompin' elves is as easy as kicking a 2year old.  you really don't even need to wear boots.  like punting a soccer ball, it's all in the hips.

it feels good to have some for sure income.  especially when you know you can excel at the task laid ahead.  in fact, i feel so good about this position, i have already taken my employee of the month photo

so ifin you've been nice.  good on you.

been a dick?  well then, your gift from that crusty ol' bastard will be a quality visit from your favorite asshole.  i'll take a dump and not flush, pee all over the seat, leave the fridge open, drink the last beer, eat your left overs, rifle through your laundry, break your kid's toys, and likely pet your cat and/or dog after feeding them ipecac.  you earned it, santa brings it.  and it comes with christmas cheer!

so merry whateverthefuckyoucelebrate!  get ready for a festive tomorrow morning, or get the hell to the store and buy ajax and a mop.  you'll need it.

i promise.

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