Friday, March 29, 2013

if you wanna screw a goat, and the goat is into it, i support that

it's good friday.  but every friday is a good friday.  i like tuesdays as well.  in fact, tuesday seems to be THE pivotal day for me for some stupid reason.  maybe it's the fact that for so long, like years and years, my day off was tuesday.  so going out on a monday night to party like it's 1994 seemed to make sense to me, however many of my drink.ride. buds that went along seemed to suffer much more greatly at the hand of doom than i.

1994.  fuck.  that was some shit.  that was my own personal heyday year of hedonism, drinking nothing but coffee and booze for days on end, and sometimes waking up somewhere strange missing a shoe and walking back to where ever i happened to be hoarding up that week fuzzy and half blind.  seems no matter how hard i try, 1994 is who i am.  guess maybe that was the pinnacle of reckless abandon in my life and i've tried as hard as i can to hold onto it like a cop after a doughnut.

and that's why these things happen less than two hours after i show up for the party...  almost every time.

but my life phee-lo-soffee (which is much like Cee Lo Green without the marketing) is simple:

if everyone is cool about it, then everyone will be cool about it.

see, nobody got hurt.  sure, this dude was only doing his job, and the fact that we kinda launched off the curb right in front of him is why he did his job. if i was riding my motorbike and some punk fuck pulled some shit like that, i'd probably get in their face and offer an ass whipping, which is much differnt that a warning ticket and a laugh at his expense.  there were others breaking laws right in front of us, and we were pointing it out, but The Man does, and the Dude Abides.

and i'll tell you what, being cool about gives great opportunities like one bud in Pittsburgh telling you that you need to know someone that lives in Tucsony and it turns into this.

apparently here in the desert there is only one way to pose for a picture, especially when the dude hauling your slow and out of shape ass around his home trail has convinced you to ride flat pedals on a single speed when he's pushing gears and clickity pedals.  there was no fuckin' way i could have even thought about getting a pic on the move considering the knives spires spears shivs and bayonets lining the trail.  then again, maybe that was punishment for not being ready at all in any way shape or form when it was time to go.

some more people being cool about is the High School Mountain Bike Association.  and wouldn't you know it, they were having a shin dig here that coincided coincidentally with my visit.  as always, we rolled in to the premiere just in time for the credits.

be certain to watch this movie when you can and tell me about it cuz i missed it, and support these people being cool about it.

so there you go on yer good friday, with a little inspirational speech from yer unkle dan.  go out into the world and be cool about it. and get drunk and others drunk, cuz i'm gunna and maybe we can do that together...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

missiles and gypsum

White Sands National Monument in New Mexico is where the government tests war machines.  missiles, stealth fighters, you know... all that kinda shit.  it is also one of the most beautiful places i have even been in my life.  i really dig the desert, and this is as deserted as it gets.

the blinding white sand (which is actually gypsum) feels like snow beneath your feet, and it always seemed to feel cool, even in the heat of mid day.  it never stuck to anything.  as in you could fall down and roll around, get up, shake yourself off, and you would be pretty much clean as a whistle.  the campsite was about a mile hike unto the desert, and after the wind storm in the middle of the night, there was no argument as to why you were not allowed to camp on top of the dunes.

shortly after sunset, planes started taking off form the military base near by, which continued until the following morning.  shortly after 10:00pm, a huge blast shattered the still, followed by a grand explosion that could only be a missile test.  not many things make me nervous, but this was a hell of a jolt.

...and the sunset was as an indescribable spectacular light show that rivaled anything i have even seen.  if you have the chance to visit this place, you better.

Monday, March 25, 2013

know the grackle

the three days in Austin were packed full of fun like a hoarder wining the lottery.

i will say this, i had not to much interest in going to Austin, but it was on the way to Tucson which is one of the places on the trip tic.  seems this here Tex-ass city has a whole lot to offer along the lines of bicycle outdoor food and stuffs.  and in the interest of making it simple, and the fact pictures speak a thousand words, we'll just take the easy way out.


Friday, March 22, 2013

Dallas doesn't suck.

so if you need to find a party in a town you have never visited, don't know anyone, and didn't even know you were going, just look and see who's a Surly Dealer, walk in, and ask where the beer is.


Aaron looked up from his bag and said,"i got a bottle of tequila right here, and we're about to head to a bar.  come on."

never, ever, ever, question this type of statement.  you follow, and ask zero questions.  which is exactly what we did.

our blast through downtown rush hour Dallas was extra special as these dudes has started hours prior, and were already rip snortin' and ready to go.  everything happened so fast we can't even remember the first bar we entered, but it was classic belly up and order, with bartenders that knew who they were dealing with and responded accordingly.


a couple quick drinks to peel off the tension of sitting in a truck all morning, and it was off again to yet another beer swilling establish so we could make it back within the two hour parking limit.  (having your truck, with everything in it towed away at any point during this adventure would likely ruin most everything immediately).

our mad dash was interrupted by Wes picking up a nail, but luckily bicycle shops are plentiful within just a few feet of beer around these parts.  we didn't have the opportunity to hang out at the previous shop, but Switching Gears was exactly what i like.  reminded me a whole lot of my last endeavor.  they even carried many of the same brands and such.  the quick service, super cool people, and smiles made the shitty part of catching a flat comfortable and nice.  i'll give these kids my endorsement, as if that matters at all.

we stomped into Craft and Growlers realizing that if you wanna cheap beer, you are completely in the wrong place.  and by cheap i do not mean shitty.  $4 for a special looking glass of porter was just fine, as long as your in the mood to chill.  we weren't.  it was time to eat.

Our host, Aaron (who turns out it the me of Dallas) and i hauled back to pick up the truck, while Jessica and Wes were going to ride to Aaron's to meet up for grillin' chillin' and swillin'.  once Aaron and i got the most amazing mexican grocery i have ever been in through the entire course of my existence, i got a text from Jessica letting me know Wes was doing wonderful, and had only eatin' shit four times, and that they were a slight bit delayed.  you'll have to ask her for the details but after seeing him show up an hour and a half later, it was obvious these dudes knew how to party on a wednesday night.

as the evening carried on with more people showing up, dents beginning to show in the store of beers and tequila, some falling, tripping, flipping and dipping, while dogs ate everything that started to begin to fall from our numbed hands and blurred minds, we retired to a table of dominoes and low light to relax and taper down the festivities to a 1:00am slumber.

guess what?  we are everywhere.  we are people that don't give two shits about strava, lycra, how much your bike weighs or where you are from.  we care only that you ride bikes, drink beers, have fun, and wake up knowing that no matter how bad your brain is pulsing with the thump of a million mules kicking you in the skull, you have a home.  this is only day four, and it no doubt is going to get even better.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

hello, goodbye.

see you fuckers later.

with the plan of no plan and an exit strategy of run like the place is on fire, the hammer out of town and on to the adventure of a lifetime in the desert was on 'til the break of dawn.  traffic was beautiful, the sun was out, and everything was going just as well unplanned as it could go with no plan.

 but the car gods would have none of that.  just as things seemed to slide into a groove...

the stymy begins.  which was followed by another grand idea of shutting down the entire interstate and routing every tractor trailer from Virginia Beach to LA across the entire city of Memphis, aka the Gateway to Hell.  i never in my life thought i would love to see any sign of impending Bill Clinton.

so with the last of the energy available, and the launch of this mission of peace, love, and hangovers, a warm bed in a small interstate town could not be refused.  ...and this is where it set in.

I. Love. Yuengling.  even the shit from Florida, which is where it comes from if you are in the south.  after cleaning out my wears from fridge in the mad dash to get the flying fuck out of town, i failed to restock for the trip.  two.  only two Yuengs.  that's all, with absolutely zero prospects at one drop more.

the memory of the day i learned it was finally available in nashveg-ass came rushing back like a tsunami of smiles.  which was then followed by the crushing blow only akin to the feeling of abandonment only found in a puppy's eyes.

so with the acceptance of the loss, and a full appreciation for the feast laid before me, i cracked the seal and engulfed myself into the second to last of what fueled so many of my cherished memories.

thank you Yuengling, and your 184 years of service.

so the next stop is Austin Tex-ass, and that is actually the beginning.

Monday, March 18, 2013

last dance

i went for a beer run whilst in the middle of cleanin' cypherin' packin' and pilin', simply cuz there was no beer.  as it was saturday afternoon, 70 degrees, and one of the more pleasant days i've had in nashvegas in quite some time.  ...and wouldn't you know i'd run into Big Red, who himself was on the same path.

once we finished sitting in the sunshine, enjoying great conversation and libations, it came that time was not on our side, and i still needed to grab a twelve pack.  the dash was on to continue the chat on the bike while making headway in our daily deeds, until it was my turn again.

once that was taken care of, it was back to continue the work toward wednesday morning's lanchtime, so as to be prepared for Shep to take some aggression out on me.  Shep works third shift.  he's warmed up around midnight, 3:00am is crunch time.  around 1:00 is when he's passing cars regularly.  ...and this is the last time we're gunna drink.ride. for a very long time.  and so it began.

our second stop was a local pub full of professionals in their 30's that serves exotic brews with brightly colored labels and particular glasses designed for the brew in particular that one would be enjoying over conversations about the beer. 

along with this was kind of a National Geographic view of 20something's chasing each other, with posturing leans and body tweaks and pulses as almost a language of effort to lure an evening's mate.  the show was spectacular.

our fourth stop was about the best place i could have landed, as we had planned to go to Hooters just because, but they were closed.  i was amazed.  it almost seemed like home.  my kinda crowd.  great staff, quick work, killer menu, huge sandwiches, yuengling on draft.  as i understood it, it would be different than what it was.  and this happened.

they take two frozen glazed donuts, fry 'em on the skillet in the burger and chicken grease, they they become the bun.  the spider web you see, that's strands of melted glaze, and it's just as sticky and fucking everywhere.  when yer the first person on the trail in the spring and you get a beard of spider web?  that.

it took effort, i ate every damn bite.  even all the fries.  the only way i could describe it is the equivalent to getting pancake sirup on yer sausage.  but a lot of it.  i would love to know the fat and calories in this catastrophe of coronary packing death sandwich.

our sixth stop was definitely the 4:00am finale i was looking for, as shep climbed the balcony to gain us entry into SB's bachelor pad.  we tried with all of our might to to bring him from his slumber to a state of mind much like ours, but we had already worked through our second wind, and i spilled beer on his bed.

home safe and sound with just some scraped shins from slipping pedals...  But Wait! don't worry, karma took great car in equalizing the evening's dealings of pain on others.  i got to enjoy that donut burger, along with some of the earlier evening's meal, around 5:30am or so.  tasted the same.

so that's it.  next time i saddle up for a night on the town, it will be in another city.  thanks Nashvegas, some of you were pretty fun.  now i just have to wait 48 more hours...

Friday, March 15, 2013

everyday's a holiday

shortly after getting ride of a refrigerator, i was southbound even though it says east.  the land of kick ass mountain biking, small town goodness, and all around pleasantness beckoned.   it was the last opportunity i had to visit with a couple buds before i rolled out to lands unknown.

and being smarterer than the average bear, i made certain to get to the trail before everyone got out of work.  i give you Enterprise South.  this trail is smooth as butter and fast as hell.  it's basically ten miles of pumptrack sectioned off into three loops on an old dynamite government land thing.  as you go deeper into the system, the trail gets progressively faster, but not much rougher.  if you are interested in ripping through the trees like your on the moon of Endor, this is your bag of tricks.

in fact, if it was not directional, it would be overwhelmingly dangerous at the speeds you can attain.

so me being earlier to the party, i went ahead and started off like a flash knowing there was only one or two other people on the entire trail.  the first loop is rather small, and obviously a true beginning trail.  mind you, there are a couple hops skips and jumps you can grab some fun air on, or dive down the backside pumping out of a roller and snapping onto the next turn...  there are lots of turns, with berms, and it is so good.  perfect warm up.

upon entering the second loop, my confidence was lifted, as well as my tires, and i really got the groove into this.  so good in fact, i missed one of the turns and began the second loop twice.  well, about halfway through you come around a corner, up a little grade, and right in front of some atomic bunker of death that could only harbor some sort of goblin, unibomber, or Cthulhu,you will find a pump track.  holy shit.  yeah, pumptrack.  in the middle of the mountain bike trail.  truly awesome.

once i finished up my second roller coaster ride, it was time to meet up with Ralph.  so in true pro-racing form, we slammed a couple pints, clicked our shoes, and holy hell the race was on.

there is nothing better than riding a new to you trail with a local who knows every berm turn pump hump line climb and slide.  we floated down the singletrack like gazelles with reckless abandon on the brink of disaster until this freight train screeched to a halt in the parking lot.  there had to be a quarter mile section of pure flow, as we poured over the rises and falls, plowed through turns and powered on the transitions.  this was one of the most intense rides i have had in years.  at times i didn't feel like i was breathing.  it was amazing.

if you are ever in chatty, there are a great number of trails you should ride, just make sure you let it all go on this one.  don't hold anything back.  it will be worth it.

once we'd had enough, and the ranger had driven by enough times to spook us while we finished off the last of the beers, we called it a day and headed off to our respective dinner engagements. 

act 2

the Terminal Brewhouse next to the Chattanooga Choo Choo is one of my favorite post ride haunts.  the J. and i rolled into a full house and bellied up to the bar for some kick ass food and some really great beers.  they have bison burger.  you feel like a cowboy when you eat bison, well, i do.

once our tummies were satisfied with the serving of meat, grease and yeast, it was off to yet another Brewhaus to make certain we would not be able to remember everything important that transpired that evening. 


i know we had fun, but i;m not exactly sure how where and why.  enjoy my black spots.  the J. had an appointment at 8:00am, and as we were wide awake, cross eyed and still kicking after midnight (i remember looking at my phone around then), there was no turning back.  and that lead me to wake up on the sofa around 8:00am, alone and not hungover...  yet.  but it was coming.  i couldn't imagine the fun J. was having, knowing all too well he was in the same mindframe as me.

in a flash i was out the door and on the hunt for something to help me stave off the impending pain, as well as the necessary legal drugs to make the drive back to Nashy before too long.  i give you Daylight Donuts.  it was wonderful.  i walked in and exclaimed i needed the biggest coffee they had, a bag of donuts, and i had $10.  they looked deep into my blazing red eyes - through my sunglasses - and handed me a quart of deep, black hangover helper and three lbs of doughy goodness.  and an apple fritter.  my joy poured all over the floor, and it was almost followed by the previous evening's bison.

and less than three hours later, i was back in Nashy and all was good in the world.

thank you chattanooga!  it was great!  sorry if i made a mess...